The Perfect Blather

I'm on the job hunt (Yet. Again. What IS it with the employment scene in southern Wisconsin, anyway? I'm nearly ready to give up and move back to Colorado). Now, perhaps I'm missing something, but tell me something, Mr. and Mrs. Employer. Why do you advise us to keep our resumes short and sweet, so your Hiring Managers don't get overwhelmed having to read pages of yammering . . . . . gosh, poor things . . . . but yet, in search for This Perfect and Succinct Employee, you compose a 5-screen mind-numbing, eyeball-watering, word-minefield as bait? Christ, my brain is totally glazed by the time I'm trying to slog thru screen #2. What are you trying to say, man? Just spit it out already. If you tell me - in plain English - what it is you're looking for, I'll be able to discern if I have it. It's amazing how that works.

And -- why all the selling? I know you're proud of your company and want me to share your enthusiasm, but too often your sales pitch blathers on, missing the entire driving range. Like this one from today's CareerBuilder:

"Description

Kerry is a leading global provider of customized ingredients, flavors, and integrated solutions for the food & beverage industry. We are dedicated to being the number one supplier in our various markets measured through technical and marketing creativity, product quality, superior customer service, value creation and the wholehearted commitment of each employee.

Our ambitious development strategy requires that we recruit and retain the best people both to manage our business and to create the new and wide-ranging capabilities that will help us continue to grow. Smart, creative and determined people have made us the company we are today. Our work environment provides challenging and stimulating opportunities for talented, individuals with ambition, vision and a commitment to excellence.

We currently have an opening for a My Kerry Life Service Center Representative who will be a part of our move to the new Kerry Center facility. The new 250,000 square foot facility will serve as a state-of-the-art center of excellence comprised of customer-focused application suites, R&D labs, culinary theater, pilot plant, and collaboration areas. In addition, the new facility will serve as the Americas regional headquarters.

My Kerry Life Service Center Representative accountabilities will include:

Accountability:

Assures high level of customer service to resolve employee program (as defined in the

Requirements

4.2 Applying Expertise and Technology,6.2 Deliver Results & Meet Customer Expectations,HR Skill ~ Benefits Administration,HR Skill ~ Employee Relations,HR Skill ~ Payroll"

Yep, that's it; the whole enchilada. It just comes to that abrupt halt. Some Joe was so thrilled with the idea that his job let him baffle with bullshit for his supper, he forgot to explain exactly what his neato, spiffy company was hiring for.

While we're on the subject, what's with the Mouthful Of Titles? For instance, a "My Kerry Life Service Center Representative"? What the hell is that? It sounds like a hospice helper. I mean, read it; this person is "servicing my life". Or maybe it has something to do with prison? As in "service for life"? Geez. Why do water pitcher people always think that adding psycho-blather improves things?

And, with all this yakkity-yak burbling in your classified ads, exactly who are you trying to attract, Mr. and Mrs. Employer? What type of applicant? Lawyers? A political speechwriter? A used car salesman, perhaps? I think maybe . . . . . schizophrenics. I mean, think about it. You've just used two hundred bazillion words to find someone whom you fully expect to sit in front of you with a big, cheesy, I'm-so-great-at-selling-myself smile and describe themselves (at your request) "in one word". A person would have to be sort of nuts to keep switching those mental gears, don't you think?

So, a little advice, if you will: Show, by example, what it is you're looking for. If you want brevity, be brief. If you're looking for accuracy, be accurate yourself. If a little humor is welcome, don't be afraid to use some first. (It'd certainly be a refreshing change at this end! Speaking of which, check this out: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/408390645.html. I'd be willing to hire this dude just because of 1) his creativity and 2) sense of humor. Some good references thrown in for good measure, of course. But, no fancypants resumes needed.) Lastly, if wordbloat is your thing, then, by all means, yammer away and pull in those ambulance chasers and used car salesmen. More power to ya.

And if you want someone who's reliable, one of the fastest learners you'll even run across (and a naturally fantabulous writer, of course ;-) ), but reeeeally tired of resume headgames, hire me.