The Music of Divorce

Do you like to talk about your divorce? Those of you going through it, I mean. Does it help?

It's funny. I'm the one who coerced Chillymama into starting these blogs in the first place. And man oh man, just look how much the girl has written! On the flip side, look how much I haven't written. Me, the perpetual writer, the eternal editor, the diarrhea of the computer keyboard gal. This last year has been a hell just full of writing fodder - coming to the final realization that things were never going to change, that this was my life forever and ever amen, taking a deep breath, moving out (without a job, mind you), filing for divorce after 26 years of marriage, living with Chilly for a month, renting my first apartment alone. Weirdly, I have no desire to write about any of it. I don't know why. :shrug: Maybe someday.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I do have a few close friends I share parts of the story with. Sharing it with the world, however, feels about as enticing as munching on head cheese.

I did finally cry, though. 4 months after leaving, with nary a tear to be seen, I picked up a copy of the book The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks and sobbed my heart out. I guess I've cried so much during the last 6, dying years, I'd done my grieving already. And I don't even know what I was really crying about. The storyline? Me? Him? Lost dreams perhaps? The memory of what once was?

The music of divorce does play through my head. The aptly named D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette, for instance. The Dance by Garth Brooks is quite apropos. Don't Answer Me by Alan Parsons Project is nearly perfect. And I've thought about sending this one to almost-ex about a hundred times now. As a final-attempt-at-explanation goodbye note.

Thing is, I doubt he'd get it.

Adsense: What Sense?

Recently, on John Chow's blog, there was an article, a list of boasts if you will, entitled The Internet's Biggest Google Whores. Therein was a an impressive(?) list for all to see: the biggest money making sites on the internet - all because of Adsense.

I have several thoughts on this, but first, I will admit upfront that I'm feeling rather pissy about Adsense these days. I have a moderate website that generates a small amount of income using it. The other day, I got this letter. It says they've closed my account. They've disabled all my ads and given that small income I've earned back to the advertisers. Why? Who knows. They don't really say. Their enigmatic explanation consists of a generic, "It has come to our attention that invalid clicks and/or impressions have been generated on the Google ads on your site(s)."

Thanks, guys. That helps a lot. Invalid clicks? Invalid impressions? From where? From whom? When? Could you elaborate a little further? Maybe it's something I can clear up or figure out. But nope. With no warning, no by your leave or howdy-do, we've just booted you out and made your website look totally screwy. End of story. Goodbye.

What's with this attitude? I'm guilty until proven innocent? Their letter went on to say that I could appeal, but added, "if Google DECIDES to evaluate your appeal ..." Wait a minute. What? These guys may not even deign to LOOK at what I've written in my defense? Does it require too much effort? Will they break a sweat? Miss their morning coffee break?

To add to this spectacular example of customer non-service, google closed their Dear John note with a blurb informing me that this one appeal was all I got. Once their decision was made (IF they looked at what I wrote, that is), that would be It - The Official Decision, The Final Word, Finis, The End, It's Over. Isn't that special.

Now, I've been in customer service for over 20 years, and I've had a website since 1997. I've never seen such rude, arrogant 900 lb. gorilla behavior in my life. I know I didn't do anything wrong on my own site, but does that matter? It very well could be some kid was playing around, revisiting my site and repeatedly clicking on ads for whatever reason. (It's made me wonder if competitors do this to each other. Gee, what a handy way to shut out revenue and cause headaches for a rival site.) In any case, Google doesn't want to know. They're gonna figure it out in their own way and my input is irrelevant.

Which brings me back to talking about adsense whores. Using adsense to make money is, when you think about it, a lot like walking the streets. Your site becomes less about the content you wanted to put up in the first place, and more about key phrases, prime location and displaying your wares in a subtle peek-a-boo tease. I've gotten more headaches trying to configure that combination (so you'll get a more relevant listing of links, and I'll maybe make a few dollars in the process) than I have putting up the information itself. I'm not interested in being a marketing genius, and I can tell you that I definitely do not look good in blue eyeshadow. I'm just a homeschool veteran, a soon-to-be-single-mom, hoping to make a livable income from all this hard-won knowledge. Getting rich would be nice, but it's not the goal. The Goal is providing real homeschooling information from real homeschoolers. Vs just leaving you with that No. 1 site out there run by those who are marketing geniuses, and to whom homeschooling is nothing more than the current hot trend.

So, at the end of 3 months of too many late nights and way too much caffeine configuring my little street corner, I now find myself at the mercy of the 21st Century Internet Pimp, not knowing what the hell I'm defending myself against and not at all sure if The Big Man will have enough interest to stop scratching his cojones and listen to what I have to say. My website may be gone next month, unable to sustain its small self. It probably doesn't help that I'm ranting on blogger, which is yet another of the 900 lb. gorilla's holdings. O well. Too late now.

Maybe it's a good thing Google made off with all my adsense money. Those white go-go boots were looking a mite too appealing. I'm now off to go check out Federated Media and other alternatives to adsense. I only hope that at least one of them remembers what it's like to be a small business and a decent human being.